On Showing Up (and being a little vague)

656snow

I started writing a post about my right now (one like this).  But the words were hard to come by.  And I found myself getting annoyed by the mess on my desk.  One might say well, why don’t you take five minutes to clean off your desk, give yourself a little room to write and breathe and think?  And that’s good advice.  But, I didn’t take it.

And so I write to you this morning, reaching over a clipboard and around some knitting.  My desk seems to adequately reflect the state of my mind. Cluttered, busy, full.  And I’m getting moments of clarity, I am.  Yesterday, I was writing in my journal and the words practically dripped off my pen.  And just when the writing seemed to be losing itself (me), it spiraled back in and brought me to a point of center.  And it felt good, so good.

But this morning, I feel lost again.

I find myself in this odd place of knowing what I want and not knowing what I want. Certain things in my life are very clear (family).  Other things are clear to a certain point (writing, photography).  It’s that certain point around which I feel stuck.  What am I doing?  Where am I going?

And I don’t mean to be vague with all of this (I apologize for being just that).  I just don’t know how to share it.  Homeschooling my kids is my priority. Working creatively is also a priority.  It’s fitting one in with the other that gets me in this sticky place.  I feel like I never have quite enough mental (or emotional) space to really process things, to really think things through.  I find myself in circular thought patterns.  And while circles and cycles are good (I love circles and cycles), sometimes they can make one a little dizzy. Sometimes they can leave one wishing for a point of exit.

And so this is what happens on a morning when I’m feeling a little lost. Dizzy writing. Going round and round without really getting anywhere.  I’ve tried to get something down.  I’ve really tried. And there’s something in the trying, yes?  I believe so much in the trying, in the showing up.  At first glance, the work is not enough.  And yet it’s exactly enough.  For now.

I’ll keep trying.  With my pen, through my lens, on the snowy hill as I sled with my kids.  I’ll keep trying and I’ll keep showing up.  Because I don’t know what else to do.

Sending a little love your way, m

 

 

12 thoughts on “On Showing Up (and being a little vague)

  1. I’m sure happy you “Showed up” on that day. It’s obvious you wrote this on a day when crawling inside a small corner of that emotional – mental space and shutting down would have been the easiest thing to do. Instead, thankfully, you saw the post through. I needed just the words you struggled to put down, to motivate me in finishing a post I’ve been juggling between several other activities and necessities of life. Still, days like that, and your words give cause to ponder —

    Brings to mind something I thought while reading another blogger’s post this week having to do with questioning the scientific verity of the “Right Brain”—”Left Brain” theory. But, I for one know the “Right Brain” —”Left Brain” thing is more than mere hypotheses because every time my creative side comes up with something beautiful, the business side of me screws it all up!

    Thank you for the refreshing reminder of an occasional need to connect with one’s self, to cleanse the desktop of our mind.

  2. Michelle, I remember so well the struggle to find a balance when my children were young. I also taught full time and as a result so many of my own interests were put on the back burner. To every thing there is a season…take joy in those moments when the words flow (and your words flow so beautifully, so often, for the benefit of all of us!) and be kind to yourself when circling occurs. I know that until just this week I have struggled to regain my rhythm and flow since the holidays ended…sending you love!

  3. I think this is so normal when you are at home with the kids. I felt like I gave all of me (well I did) and then even carving out a tiny bit for me was hard because I gave ALL of me. So I say, let your mind circle, let your path be uncertain and you can have those crazy days. Each day your children grow older and you will gain more time for yourself minute by minute.

    BE kind to yourself :)

  4. “I feel like I never have quite enough mental (or emotional) space to really process things…”
    Yep, that’s it. I could really make your words mine. So, thank you for taking some time to show up and write a bit of the story of us all (which goes on and on, sometimes so unnoticed). Sending you a little piece of sunshine.

  5. Sending the love right back attcha Michelle. Motherhood is a strange and wonderful journey but know you are not alone-glad you can reach out xo

  6. Sending much love and plenty of hugs as you navigate the circles of uncertainty and certainty. Oh this is the creative path and process. I know it so well myself and even in it’s familiarity it is uncomfortable. You are right, though showing up as you can, is the way. Just don’t forget the kindnesses and forgiveness for yourself along the way too. It’s all the part of filling the well that it you. xox

  7. Sending you a little love, too, M. I can relate in so many ways. I think you have it right, however…the just keep trying and keep showing up. xo

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