popping

I have several aha moments.  Which might not be aha to anyone other than me, but that’s what makes them the aha moments they are, yes?  Recognizable, feel-able, only to me, a popping in my heart.  I needed them, was ready, am grateful.

It snows at the beginning of the week.  To see snow covering the pink blossoms on the tree out front is odd, though somehow fitting, this environmental juxtaposition jiggling something in my heart.  It isn’t an aha sort of thing, but a jiggling, yes that.  My heart is aflutter these days.

One friend has a lot on her plate, so much that is heavy, thick, and not necessarily wanted.  But she partakes mindfully, carries on.  Another friend’s plate is very full, perhaps a bit more joyful, though not without its own curious mixture that took some sorting, some things she never foresaw coming to her plate at this point in her life.  She partakes also, buys new dishes, carries on.  They inspire me, each in their own way, not turning away from the figuring-out, instead, engaging and turning toward. 

Toward and in, this is the way I move this week, and it serves me well.  I trust in a different way, a way that doesn’t involve wrangling.  I rest, I breathe, I listen.  I stand with the trees; I soak in the tub; I practice asana.  And, almost like magic, what I need to find its way to me does, in fact, find its way.  It’s a case of trying but not trying too hard, a case of showing up and then allowing, a case of knowing (deeply knowing) (even though it feels hard to know so deeply) that I can do this thing, that I am perhaps made to do this thing, this thing of living and loving and writing and guiding and listening and having a conversation with beauty Every Single Day.

I want to be with process and practice, to set aside outcome and container and expectation.  I want to just be here.  Just.  As if it’s that easy.  It isn’t, although sometimes it actually might be. Be.  The letter ‘b’, the bumble-bee, the act of be-ing.  No small matter.  But I feel something, after this week, that popping in my heart, that distinct jiggling, that release of some pressure that’d been building.  I feel ready, to be or not to be (the eternal Shakespearean question), am grateful.

I have only one thing to do and that’s be the wave that I am, and then sink back into the ocean.
~ Fiona Apple ~

P.S. Happy Earth Day!!!

P.P.S. I'm super pleased that a piece of mine will be tucked into the pages of Issue 2 of kerning. You can pre-order now, right here. It's true that Issue 1 did not disappoint; now I can't wait to hold Issue 2 in my hands. I'm not sure if they're shipping outside the U.S., but you can inquire about that by sending a message here.